My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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