oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
