College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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