Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So many bounce houses so little time
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
