jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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