I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
