There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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