My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
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