What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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