I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
