in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
