My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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