Don't make out with my wife yet
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
