apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
