ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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