Im at strip club and am horny
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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