i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
