In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
