maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
