Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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