He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
