There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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