You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
