just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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