Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
