got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
