the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
