a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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