the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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