Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
