Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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