you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
