After last night, I could never be a politician.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
