I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
