Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
