I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
