She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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