hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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