Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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