im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
