Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
