drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
