if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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