Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
