I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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