I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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