girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
