i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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