So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize