They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
