The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
