mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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