the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize