next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
