Swine flu is the new snow day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
