Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
