i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
