I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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