going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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