just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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