Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
