If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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