My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
All the doctor said was why
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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