You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
