so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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