Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
