Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
