it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
