Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
